


Out On The Lake

by unseenbox



Series: Hogwarts Community Radio [3]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Background Slash, Crossover, Fake Episode, Gen, Implied homophobia, M/M, Typical Night Vale Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-14
Updated: 2013-10-14
Packaged: 2017-12-29 10:42:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1004445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unseenbox/pseuds/unseenbox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In this episode: Educational Decrees cause a lot of headaches; lights at the lake cause a lack of sleep; a misuse of spells cause a surplus of Howlers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out On The Lake

Never forgive. Never forget. Unless you’ve been obliviated. Welcome to Hogwarts.

Following this weekend’s Hogsmeade trip, two new educational decrees have been rolled out by the Ministry of Magic and High Inquisitor Umbridge. The first, educational decree twenty-four, states that all student run clubs, organizations, and groups must seek approval from the High Inquisitor before re-forming under penalty of expulsion. The second, educational decree twenty five, states that said High Inquisitor now has supreme authority over all punishments, sanctions, and removal of privileges pertaining to Hogwarts students. 

Some are calling these moves needlessly draconian, tyrannical to the extreme, and a gross misuse of political cache. Others question how the Ministry can enforce these rules in the first place. “I thought they’d be dreadfully busy with that troll problem up in the lakes,” Justin Finch-Fletchley -- looking somewhat nervous as he straightened his tie -- reported. 

Now, we here are Hogwarts Community Radio try not to take hardline political stances. In recent weeks, some have even gone so far to declare us as “Nothing more than Ministry propaganda,” which isn’t really fair -- a lot of hard work goes into this little show. And, while I usually applaud our Ministry’s increasingly desperate attempts to control us, in this case… I admit, I think this may partially be my fault. I mean, the decrees went up just this Monday, and, well, even if it was for very, _very_ understandable reasons-- I _did_ abandon my post Saturday. Like, it doesn’t take an Order of Merlin to think there might be some kind of connection there, you know? When I went to High Inquisitor Umbridge to get our club’s re-approval, I tried to apologize again, but she said that we were doing “excellent work, by and large” and that I only needed to “watch some of the content of the show”, as it “might make some listeners uncomfortable, and we don’t want that, dearie.” 

Which… “Dearie”? Uggh. But! Message received! I will try to go off topic less often, listeners, and be as professional as possible in the course of this broadcast. 

But first! Sixth year Gryffindor and terrible Quidditch player Mike Ogbourne requested that people please, _please_ stop sending him Howlers. He also explained, in increasingly plaintive tones, how it was all an accident, and if it wasn’t him it’d have been anyone, and his wand just slipped, and he doesn’t understand how a loony like me could even _get_ people to send him Howlers. How, indeed! It’s almost as if preventing Carlos’ enviably perfect hair from moving, along with the rest of him, would be considered a crime by _most_ of the wizarding community, but hey, I’m no expert. And, as he _has_ received at least twelve Howlers since the confrontation on Saturday, well, I’m sure Mike Ogbourne’s learned a very valuable lesson in proper wand handling, and there’ll be no need for any further reminders. 

Okay, personal business out of the way. And now, _the news_.

Strange lights have been spotted floating just above the lake. Our Slytherin friends say these lights started glowing around dinner, and haven’t stopped since, which is _highly_ annoying since they have some _very_ important work to be doing. Some of our more Muggle aligned sources say that the lights are just strange reflections of stars, perhaps distorted by the rough, choppy waves of the lake, but as the lights are moving and the stars are not, this explanation just doesn’t seem to hold any water. 

The lights are floating approximately five feet above the surface of the lake, in a manner akin to the candles in the Great Hall, and seem to change color at currently undetermined intervals. At the moment, the lights appear to be a pale magenta. If anyone has any information about these lights, or any theories about what potentially sinister forces might be behind their appearance, please contact us immediately. 

Jeremy Godfried, one of our many esteemed ghosts here at Hogwarts, held his fiftieth Death Day party earlier this week. Jeremy met his untimely end during a Muggle golf tournament, when one of the balls hit him in the head while he was distracted with a drink on the veranda. Attendance was reassuringly high, although many questioned him about how _silly_ and _undignified_ his death was, causing him to stare moodily into his red cup for the rest of the night. The food, however, was enjoyed by all -- even the exceptionally burnt cakes. 

Now, we wizards and witches all know how to get around. If you have steady hands -- and, as we’re often reminded, aren’t on Hogwarts grounds -- apparation is clearly the way to go. Sure, one momentary lapse in willpower could leave you permanently scarred, but those are the risks you just have to take. There’s floo powder, of course, but that requires having some sort of fireplace lying around, and who knows the last time someone got around to cleaning it? Also, you probably don’t want a stuffy nose at the time, or you’ll end up in Dervish and Banges instead of Flourish and Blotts. Muggles, however, have far more inventive means of transportation. Can you believe they trust their lives to a metal box propelled by nothing more than the effects of gravity and a great burning engine that could fail at any moment? 

This has been your fun fact OWLs study corner! In an effort to help our fifth year students prepare for OWLs, we’ll be bringing you more tips throughout the year for all the subjects covered by the notoriously difficult tests. This week’s tip was, of course, from the Muggle Studies department.

The portrait of Tobias Misslethorpe, which is currently located near the Charms classroom, will be conducting interviews with any students who pass him for the next week and a half. Copies of the interviews will then be dictated to other portraits, who will disconcertingly giggle when the subject passes by and then look away. Printed versions can be obtained from Leanne Hart after noon on Monday, or otherwise read in next week’s edition of the Junior Prophet, assuming it still goes to press. Students interested in being interviewed should wear their best robes for the occasion, and be prepared to talk at length about their personal lives. Uninterested students should avoid the hall at all costs.

The Merfolk who live in the lake have made an official statement regarding the lights. Translated out of Mermish by our researchers, their Mercheiftainess says, “We have nothing to say about the lights. They have definitely not appeared before. They have absolutely nothing to do with us. **Absolutely. Nothing.** How did you even get down here? Isn’t it past curfew?” 

Even though Assistant Nadine lost ten points in the completion of her duties, the lights remain, blinking in and out of existence, above the lake. Reports suggest that the colors have changed again, and are now a deep mauve. No one has yet determined if the lights are sending any messages with their low, strange humming, but our Ancient Runes students are hard at work trying to solve this mystery. All that’s currently known is that the humming can be heard from the Slytherin Dungeons, causing a sharp increase in the use of muffling spells. More on this story as it develops.

In a move that shocked many of us, Lee Jordan has stepped down from his post here at Hogwarts Community Radio. In his last broadcast this evening, he said that he “doesn’t see why we need to suck up to that old toad.” He also cites her “completely boneheaded” Quidditch bans earlier in the week, which heavily affected the Gryffindor line up. Unfortunately, the rest of his broadcast cannot be repeated on air, although it didn’t go on much longer before Professor McGonagall intervened. 

Until this afternoon, Lee Jordan chaired our evening news hour, and we’re all genuinely very sorry to see him go. I know I won’t forget the last thing he said to me this morning, before he left to stick the notice on Inquisitor Umbridge’s door: “Don’t you ever get tired, just doing what you’re told?”

All signs indicate that he will continue to provide commentary for Quidditch matches -- assuming they aren’t cancelled outright, which remains a distinct possibility. 

And now, a word from our sponsors: 

You sit at home, watching the world pass you by from the window. The sun went down long ago. It’s dark in your house, but that doesn’t worry you. It’s always dark in your house. Drafty, too. And it creaks just a little, when you step on the floor the wrong way. But the chair is comfortable enough, if a bit oversized. You feel as if you’ll never be big enough for the chair, the one passed down to you by people who no longer live in your dark, drafty house. The blue light filters in from outside, made by the streetlamps, and you swear, it’s almost enough to read by. But it hurts your eyes when you try, so instead, you sit by the window, in the dark, drafty house, waiting for something, anything, to free you from the icy grip it holds over you. 

This message brought to you by Eeylops Owl Emporium

Pamela Winchell, head of the Student Ministry Association, reminds everyone that meetings are _every_ Wednesday after dinner. All students who signed up at the start of the year _must_ attend. It doesn’t matter if the stairs aren’t in the right position, or if you’re being kept late by a professor, or if you have _better_ things to do, you get over to the fifth floor, drink the cold purple drinks provided that _do not_ have potions in them, and _like it_. 

When pressed for additional comment, Pamela Winchell stared at us, not making a sound, for exactly one minute and eleven seconds. This week, the Student Ministry Association will be voting on new regulations for voting on already approved regulations.

The ghosts who live with Old Woman Josie -- and may not actually exist -- have been approached by Hogwarts for the tenth year in a row. It’s the hope of the school’s ghostly contingent that the Hogsmeade ghosts will join their brethren in haunting the halls, but so far, none of the ghosts have taken ours up on their offer. If anyone could get an interview with them, it’s thought that these ghosts would say that Hogwarts is much too crowded, and that Old Woman Josie provides them with many amenities that would be lost to them here, such as nice, chilled blankets and _a lot_ of salt. That is, if their speech didn’t _immediately_ cause parchment to burn when recorded. 

I hope you’re sitting down, listeners, because the messages from the lights floating above the lake have finally been translated. Originally broadcast in Old Sumerian, the unceasing low hums say the following:

_Ignore Us. Go Back To Your Lives As If You Haven’t Seen Us. Pretend You Know Less. Pretend Until You Know Nothing Else. Pretend Until The Knowledge Completely Fades From Your Memory, Never To Return. Do Not Speak Of Us. Do Not **Think** Of Us. Instead, Sleep Until Morning. When You Wake, All Will Be Well._

The message repeats once every few seconds, and shows no signs of slowing down or stopping. In fact, it only seems to be getting louder. The lights have also changed colors again, this time to a mossy green. We still don’t know if the colors have any significance, and, aside from a slight fuzziness at the edges, the lights only look brighter as the night waxes on. 

Some pro-active Slytherins are filling out several excuse notes for their classes tomorrow, pre-emptively blaming any poor performance on the issue with the lights. High Inquisitor Umbridge refuses to make an official statement, and requests that we please stop reporting on utter nonsense, as it’s “ _highly_ unprofessional” and “makes us look like _silly little children_.” 

__Which… okay, I know I promised I wouldn’t get too personal tonight, but just try to bear with me for a little bit, listeners. But we live in a castle next to a Forbidden Forest, with thestrals pulling our carriages and ghosts wandering the halls. I think, at some point, we have to accept that strange, nonsensical things are going to be a common part of wizarding life. I mean, in my beloved Night Vale, there are rumors of earthquakes, miles below ground, which nobody can feel. In light of that, _these_ lights don’t really seem so bad! Sure, they’ve sent terrifying messages to us and kept some Slytherins awake, but that’s a small price to pay for some ambiance out on the lake, isn’t it? _ _

__And now,[the weather.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkPUzCqlVM4)_ _

__It seems that the lights above the lake have vanished, just as mysteriously as they arrived. Assistant Nadine suggests that it’s possible they’ve merely changed color again, this time to match the choppy, black water below. But the glow is gone, or at least fainter now, and the low humming has ceased at last, allowing our Slytherin friends a chance to sleep a little. No one knows where these lights came from, or if they’ve ever appeared before, or what, if anything, the Merfolk know about them, but those are questions to ask another night._ _

__For now, we sleep, almost safely, almost securely, in our castle by the shore of the lake. Tomorrow we may learn about monsters, spells, and how to write with quills, all very frightening, overwhelming things. And today, we may have learned about things were weren’t meant to, or things we’ve never noticed. But in between tomorrow and today, there’s an open, yawning void between what we know and what we have yet to know._ _

__Stay tuned next for: uncheerful attempts at cheering charms._ _

__Good night, Hogwarts. Good night._ _

**Author's Note:**

> In this AU, Night Vale is located roughly in/around Dungeness, Kent. (seriously, google it, it’s got abandoned military bases everywhere.) That is, when it exists on this plane at all.


End file.
